Out of Place – Katie’s Story
Imposter!
You don’t belong here!
Do you really know what you’re doing?
What makes you feel like you’re capable of taking care of this task?
Believe it or not, a form of these have all been said to me. They’ve been shouted in my face, and whispered into the deep recesses of my mind. I wallowed in them, and they wounded my pride, self-esteem, and value. And I think I let them affect me, the way I tried to live my life. I’m pretty sure it showed. It didn’t show up in the ways that made people stop and ask, ‘What in the world is wrong with you?’ But, it showed up in the little ways. There were/are times I didn’t believe my work was valuable. I didn’t believe my words mattered. I didn’t think the little ways I kept showing up in my completely loyal way mattered. There was even a particularly dark time in my life that I was living without passion, without joy, and the peace of belonging was far from me.
Owning my unique design
And, I’ll be honest. I AM a bit of a different one. (Insert laugh here..it’s ok, go ahead) I don’t mold to the world’s standards. I don’t fit in with many people from my church community. I have a rare mixture of passions– a nerdy love for bookkeeping for small businesses, a fierce, quiet love for children, and an increasing urge-an almost heartcry to write. My personality is a quiet, but deeply loyal one. I don’t let many people in, and in turn, very few people see the true side of me.
It’s not that I don’t have things to say. Rather, I have to process the words before I say them, leaving little room for the quick, witty banter that most people seem to fill their conversations with. It’s hard for me to make friends, to make connections, and sometimes (ok, most times) I’d rather spend time with kids 15-20+ years younger than me, than try to make awkward conversation with someone across the table from me. I have a deep vision and a heavy burden for kids in foster care, and as a single female in my Anabaptist community, it just doesn’t make sense.
Yet, I can’t ignore these things. I can’t snub my nose at it, and allow the shaping of the world or the community I live in to shape who I am, or what I do. This nerdy passion for numbers, the crazy love for kids, and the burden for foster care, and that silent cry to write my story CANNOT be ignored. These can be stuffed in the corner for awhile, and I could let it lay inactive for several long whiles.
Trading lies for truth
Though there’s something strange that I think I’ve been unknowingly learning. I will probably never fit in, or belong the way others seem to because I’ve been looking at belonging with the wrong lens. The peaceful truth is, belonging isn’t found in being accepted by the world, or by my church community.
Belonging is found in that space of simply being myself, and living out the passions that my heavenly Father has given to me.
I’m sharing love, laughter, silliness, and giggles with little girls who may need a big sister’s guidance. I’m writing words that may only be for one person, and that one person may only be me. I can keep crunching numbers with the best of them, helping to cut down on the stress of business owners. I’m praying, *hopefully* speaking up, and one day taking classes to be certified for foster care. I’m slowly but surely learning to live out the gifts God has given me, and doing so draws me closer to the best place ever to belong–His loving, patient, ever merciful heart.
In doing so, it pulls me even farther from those hurtful lies I heard earlier. Those phrases spoken to me were never spoken to me by a physical human. They weren’t from some random internet haters, or even worse, my close family and friends. Somehow, some way, my listening had tuned itself to focus on the enemy’s lies. Whispers that turned into shouts. Shouts that turned into beliefs. Beliefs that turned into a way of living.
Now, I’m trying to learn to listen to the right whispers. Those whispers will turn into beautiful truths. Beautiful truths will turn into joy, peace, smiles, and hope. Joy, peace, smiles, and hope will turn into belonging.
That’s where my desire to belong should always be–right next to the heart of God, in the midst of the family of God, serving and bringing glory to Him.
If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, this series is for you! Every Monday, we’ll hear from someone who has also struggled to belong. Be sure to subscribe below to get The Scoop so you never miss a post! As a thank you, you’ll receive access to belonging-themed scripture cards and adult coloring pages in the free for you library!
Meet Katie Eash
I’m Katie! A Christian writer who desires to share from her heart. A listener who loves to hear others’ stories. Someone who still has a lot to learn, but has also discovered some things as well….Sharing your words is harder than it sounds. Imposter syndrome is a real thing. Young kids are easier to talk with than adults. Living out your passions and calling won’t always be easy. Coffee should be replaced with chai, and soup was not intended to be the complete meal. Introvert at heart, and a faithful observer of people. Aunt who enjoys spending time with her nieces and nephews. A job history that’s about as random and sporadic as this bio. Hi, it’s me! You can connect with me on my website or on Instagram.
*Feature Photo by Darya Skuratovich on Unsplash
Sarah K. Butterfield 